Japanese Gum
by pearlshavefallen
Summary: It's hard to like such a sexdriven jackass but it's hard to dislike such a charming, handsome individual like James Potter. Rated M for safety!
1. Contemplation

**A/N: Hi guys, thanks for reading this:D**

**Disclaimer: I'm not JKR, my initials are TRS.**

**----**

Acting mean. It's a coping mechanism. Well, kind of. Shit. I always put myself in these sorts of situations.

And to make things worse, I'm always thinking about it. I live my life like a movie. A very long, boring movie I suppose but a movie nonetheless. I'm always thinking about different situations, and what I would say in each of them to make myself a more perfect person.

You know that saying, that everything looks perfect from far away? I prove it right. Well, I'm not the only one, but you get the picture.

I live my life like. … like a lie almost. Whenever something goes wrong, I just act like it didn't happen. I forget about it, because after all, it happened in the past. I don't like to dwell on what imperfect things have happened in the past. My past, not others' pasts, or the world's past. But in a perfect person's life, imperfection is not quite welcome.

I'm always reading. I love it. It's an escape, and an individual activity. I love individual activity. I'm not antisocial by any means, but after living with the same people in the same rooms for quite a while, it gets to you. You need alone time to have a nervous breakdown or a good cry or hearty laugh – the kind that give you a belly-ache. And when you read you can learn about other people's live. Some people are so amazing; it's astounding what some people can do. That's what McGonagall always says. "It's astounding what people can do when they put their mind to it."

It truly is astounding, but unfortunately not all of these things are good. If everyone did put their minds to keeping the world a just, ethical, moral place – well then we would lose a lot. We would lose jobs – there would be no aurors or policemen, in the muggle world. Policemen are the funniest creatures in the muggle world, the non-magic world. They ride around on bicycles or in cars trying to catch people doing things against the law. But the funniest thing is that they dress in bright blue uniforms and separate themselves in a way from the rest of society. They scream, "Be careful now! However, once I leave the vicinity, you may continue you mischief or bad-doing." Aurors keep secret; it makes more sense.

Muggles don't always make sense. I'm so very glad, so grateful that I was introduced to the wizarding world. There are some truly astounding people in this world, and yes, it is a totally and completely different world.

I respect some people so much. But like the typical, trite fear of rejection you read about so much in those classic novels, people do not always reciprocate the emotion. Or even try to. Or go out of their way to reciprocate the opposite emotion, which makes me angry and thus causes me to act mean. I can't help it. I'm not one to hide my emotions easily. I can't act normal when trying not to act happy; I have to go to the extreme, the opposite end of the spectrum. I have to be mean.

To me, respect is more important than like or dislike, love or hate, whatever trivial opinion someone can have about another person. It's earned so you cannot demand it from someone, and I have no plan to.

-----

Acting stupid, it's a coping mechanism. Well kind of. Shit. Why do I always get into these sorts of situations?

It's like one of those things, those sappy things that you read about in storybooks. A lot of girls I know read those peculiar, silly story books. I tried reading one once to understand why they are "so interesting" to some people. No depth. No rhythm. No voice. Pointless, pointless wasted time on such things.

Reading is a gift. It can teach you a lot. Serious things, fun things. For me, knowledge gained from books about equals knowledge gained from real experiences. Knowledge that is, but not emotion.

Emotion, what do I have to say about that. Sometimes they take control of you, that is certain. It's such a peculiar thing to have. You have, it seems, negligible control over it. More specifically control over showing it, versus having it. Emotions are odd because they have a mind of their own. And for me it takes all of my mind to act like they don't exist.

A lot of my life consists of acting. I'm quite good at it now, actually. It's just hard to show how you really feel, to convey what you really think. Every one wants that respect. I'm afraid, terribly afraid, that if I discontinue acting, people will begin to see me in such a different light.

That's why I don't show my true colors. Because I don't want to lose … I don't want to lose it. I don't want to lose that respect. What little respect I have I suppose. It's the one and only thing I'm paranoid about.

We're like a fucking painting. People, I mean. We have true colors, and the lighting is important, and we show off emotion and people look you up and down and judge you on your exterior and then, only then, do they learn about you and some judge you on your interior. But only some. Why only some? I ask myself every day.

I respect those people who do, who judge you on your interior or at least try. But it scares me. It's like a paradox. I'm always acting, it's a barrier. People can't respect me because they don't know me and thus are forced to judge me on my exterior.

I've always hated art.

**A/N: Thank youuu I would love advice/help to better the story.**


	2. Intrapersonal Communication

**Disclaimer: I'm not JKR.**

James:

I am a façade. I am not the truth. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve as much as people think I do; I'm not that shallow. I'm not deep, though. If Hogwarts wasn't so close-knit and if word didn't travel so fast, then I wouldn't have the reputation that I have. And it's definitely safe to say that my reputation does, and always will, precede me.

I mean I guess my life is picture perfect. You could say that, definitely. I have four best friends that I would give anything for and we are as tight as hell. I have a loving, well-off, well-known family. I'm intelligent. I do ok with the ladies. Or whatever.

If you wanted a more profound description, everyone overshadows me. I mean my best friend, Sirius, is much more clever, witty, and intelligent than I am. I'm confident with my sexuality enough to say that Sirius is an extremely attractive guy. I can say that. He's also always the center of attention; everyone is constantly talking about him, guys and girls, especially girls. Even if people despise them, it's undeniable that if he were to disappear, everyone would miss him. Even the Slytherins. Just a little. Maybe.

But that's more than you could say for most people, except other Slytherins.

And Remus, definitely them most sufferable in our pranking posse. The girls that despise us, The Marauders, somehow still love him. And he's smart, but modest, and girls love that, apparently. And I would give so much to be that smart. I mean, my parents are seriously more proud of him and his academic endeavors than they are of me and mine, and I'm their son.

Peter is the only one that I can level with I guess, and when I say I can level with I'm being a little mean. I honestly get annoyed with him a lot. I mean I trust him but he's so unreliable. He's a pretty smart guy but he has a bit of an inferiority complex. When he's feeling comfortable with himself, he gets cocky over things that he shouldn't get cocky about, and this makes other people dislike him. At other times he's extremely self-deprecating, which is also annoying. I mean I wouldn't be friends with him if he was that terrible, he's a good friend. He's just not ultra-perfect, like Remus and Sirius are, so he's more like me.

And me. I'm mediocre in every way possible. But I guess that would be some sort of a feat. So I pass that. I'm perfectly level, I'm so perfectly leveled that I'm quite boring. I'm smart, smart enough to be at the top of some subjects and I'm always in the top 10 percent or so. I'm pretty clever but sometimes it's forced and it doesn't always work. I admit I like being in the center of attention and sometimes I'm in it, but most of the time I'm not. And I can enjoy that too. I'm bad at some stuff too. I'm pretty good at quidditch but any other sport? Kill me now. I'm not buff at all and never will be, but rather am the scrawniest guy in our group of friends. Which suchs majorly because Peter is known for being scrawny. It's notorious.

And you know what they say about acting confident, how if you act confident, you'll gain confidence? That's shit reasoning. Case in point: me.

Lily:

"You give most people a chance," my best friend Heather tells me knowingly. "You give most people a chance, you really do. You give people a chance, Lily."

"What's you're point?" I almost yell that.

"Can't you just give everybody a chance? There' one person in the world you're unjustifiably rude to!"

"Why do you care? It's not you."

"I'm just looking out for you're well-being. I mean, I can't tell other people 'I know for a fact that Lily Evans is totally non-judgmental and gives everyone a chance" if I know for a fact that the statement is completely untrue!"

"You actually could do that."

Heather gives me an annoyed look; she is frustrated be my nonchalance.

"James loves you."

"Untrue, and you know it. Look, I'd believe it more if he was so goddamn cocky about it. I mean what do you do when you really like a guy. Really, really like him. You stay away from him like a vile substance." Heather shakes her head. "Heather, you know it's true. You know it's true. And furthermore, how many boys who have liked you pestered you like that. None at all. Because if they really liked you, they'd care about what you thought of them and wouldn't annoy you. They'd be hurt if you told them something bad. They'd try to change for your sake. Et cetera."

"Wow, you've really thought about this, Lily."

"Not really."

Heather raises her eyebrows suggestively and I roll my eyes back.

Heather is my best friend. She is tall and lanky; several guys had nicknamed her "legs" because hers were so long. Her hair is light brown, her skin is tan and her eyes are blue. Despite the fact she's a huge tomboy, she rarely wears jeans and prefers to wear dresses. Due to her relatively outgoing nature, she's pretty much friends with everyone.

Heather's parents are aurors and part of the magical elite. I've been to many of Heather's parents parties and unfortunately for Lily, James has been at all of them. In fact, James and Heather grew up together as their parents were good friends.

In all technicalities I hate James. He is rude and annoying, cocky and crass. His personality attributes are all incredibly shallow; in fact, I cannot think of something profound about him. He's most definitely a superficial person. No one should ever fancy him at all. Ever!

My hormones feel otherwise. I have to admit he's pretty attractive, cute in an intelligent kind of way – meaning he's scrawny and has glasses but is still tall and has nice facial features and whatnot. He has an air of "I-don't-care-how-I-look-at-all-and-I-still-look-pretty-good" to him. Which is the air a guy should have. I think.

Unlike some girls that exist for everyone (namely the school slut) I'm smarter than my body. James only flirts with me to provoke me, and it's rather annoying. So of course I'm waiting for another guy, Mr. Right, and let me tell you, he is very, very late to see me.

If he ever comes, that is. Maybe I'm overestimating my looks, but I think I'm passable.

Some guy should like me. Like me, like me, like me like that.

I will find the perfect guy.

Won't I?

Lily:

"Hey! Lily," Heather moans, prolonging the Y in my name. "I'm bored."

"Remember when we would play 'Who Would You Do?' or 'Rate" when we were younger?"

"Merlin! Who Would You Do was the most fun game ever. It was like the beginning of the end for the girls. Namely, because it was the beginning of when we became interested in boys." Heather laughed.

"Ew, boys." That is exactly how I feel about boys.

"Lily come on, you can't really feel that way about them. There's someone waiting, out there," Heather motion across the common room. "Or there's someone in the world that's perfect for you."

"Great!" I deadpan. "I now am assured I will meet the one. Because the world is so small and I know every one in it."

"It doesn't help that you are celibate."

I must cede her this. I definitely does not help that I am celibate. Wait, no I'm not.

"Heather, shut the fuck up."

"Don't say I didn't warn you," heather says, laughing. "But seriously, you need action."

"I'm not exactly dying for some."

"It wouldn't kill you."

"I hold me own." Did I say that convincingly?

"Lily I don't believe that one bit. Like hell you hold your own."

"I get action, Heather, Don't worry."

I do get action. Mason, my lovely Ravenclaw friend, with benefits, keeps me satisfied. I've never had sex with him but god knows he wants to. But I mean, I'm just not lusting for physical contact because I get enough from him. But Mason doesn't like me like that either. He just likes our relationship; it's safe and he knows how we both feel about it. No strings attached. There truly are none.

Mason is a good friend. A really good friend, in fact, too. He treats me well and I could go to him for anything and he wouldn't judge. I need him in my life, even if we didn't have frequent physical contact. So it's an interesting relationship.

James:

"Hey Ayla."

She closes her eyes slightly and pulls her lips into a pout. I walk in closer to her and she backs up and leans into the wall as I brush her hair out of her face.

She looks down and then up again and leans into kiss me, and she pushes me into the wall. Aggressive.

Surprised, I open my eyes. To see Lily. Awkward situation ahead.

And to make matters worse, she notices, smirks and narrows her eyes. I raise my eyebrows, giving her the typical you-like-what-you-see? look. Why'd I do that? That was an idiotic move, James, idiotic. She thinks you are an idiot. She thinks you are an idiot, definitely.

I'm the school slut, and really, I don't want to be that person. I didn't even think I could be that person. By nature I'm pretty nice, at least I like to think so. I have a conscience.

So how exactly did I get like this? I like to ask myself. Tenacity, boys and girls.

Lily:

James is positively infuriating. Yet attractive.

Just like when I'm at home my sister Petunia always has posters on her wall of guys smoking cigarettes. I can't stand them and find smoking incredibly unattractive in reality (it smells disgusting!) but in theory, and in advertisements, it's extremely hot.

James is like that too. I'm positive and sticking to this theory. Bad boy James is nice in theory, terrible in person. He probably smells disgusting too.

Nonetheless, he is still attractive.

Lily come on, be sensible. Look what he did to poor, sweet Ayla. She thinks she has him wrapped around her finger, little does she know he's a complete and total jerk.

A _complete_ and total jerk.

A complete _and_ total jerk.

A complete and _total_ jerk.

A complete and total _jerk_.

Got that Lily?

I am a master at intrapersonal communication.


	3. Organization

**Hey, I'm not JKR, if you ever want to chat or something, give me advice, be my beta or something, totally email me, I'm so up for that.**

Lily:

We're leaving Hogwarts. We're leaving Hogwarts. We won't be back next year. Next year! It's so far. I'm excited for this last summer to myself; it will be my last summer to myself.

Although it will hardly be my last summer to myself, as my sister is getting married and I will be forced to make arrangements as I am her sister and her maid of honor. I don't understand why people want to be other people's maids of honor. I find being a maid of honor a horrid tradition. I mean, who willingly volunteers to be subjected to every whim of a bossy, emotional soon-to-be-bride? Not me, but a lot of people. I consider those people lunatics and I hope they keep away from me. But more relevantly, I am a maid of honor and to be completely honest, it blows.

Heather and I jump on the train excited and giggly for our trip home.

"I wonder how next year will be," Heather mused. "I wonder if anyone will get hotter."

"I hope for your sake and for mine, everyone gets hotter. Especially me."

"I think you're pretty hot, Lily."

"You're not too bad yourself, Heather. I'd do you."

"You don't do anyone." Heather pauses and adds on, "You don't know what you are missing."

"No she does not." Mason interjected, as he had just passed the compartment Lily and Heather were sitting in. It had been a while since Mason and I stopped hooking up, but we were still good friends, as were Mason and Heather. I think he wanted sex, and I honestly wasn't ready to give him that. I mean, I didn't really like him like that and I certainly don't love him, which is sort of my rule for loss of virginity. It was just all in good fun and he totally understands that. But he's still a guy, so he's got sex on the mind by definition. Boys will, after all, be boys.

James:

Sirius, Remus, Remus's girlfriend Ellie, Ayla and I are sitting in our compartment, eating chocolate frogs. I'm excited to go home and Sirius is coming with me. Ayla and I are on good terms and I probably won't have to worry about getting my needs fulfilled for awhile. We're actually good friends, but I know neither one of us truly has our hearts in this so-called relationship. There's simply nothing we could obtain more so we stick to this. It is undeniably comfortable. But I do want something more; I stopped outwardly showing it, I definitely stopped showing her, but I still wanted her, I still longed for her. I longed for her? I sound like a bad romance novel. My life is kind of like a bad romance novel; perfect boy with perfect life and perfect girlfriend longs for the one girl he cannot have. I'd be puking if it wasn't my life. I want to puke, and it is my life.

Remus and Ellie are great together. He's nice and quiet while she's aggressive and quirky. It works out well because Ellie is best friends with Ayla, they both hang out with Sirius, Peter, Remus and I often, which is welcomed. Not only were nice on the eyes, but they are fun girls. I hate it when people call girls sluts. No one would ever call me a slut, and I have casual sex all the time. I don't understand what the big deal is as long as you have fun, no one else should look down on you. Some people need to remove the sticks up heir asses.

James:

Finally home! I'm ridiculously excited to go home to my room to my bed and collapse. I love Hogwarts but I will always miss the comfort of my own home. This summer is going to be awesome; a blur of partying, quidditch and just hanging out with my favorite people. I've passed the apparition test and so has Ayla, so we'll be able to see each other fairly frequently.

Lily:

Mom, I'm home! I have finally arrived, I took a tax home from King's Cross, and I had to ride uncomfortably with possibly the creepiest cab driver ever. I'm just glad to be out of that confined space.

"So Lily, how are the boys?" My mom likes to be on top of things as far as my social life goes. Right now she's under the impression that I'm incredibly socially awkward and have no friends. I mean she's met Heather, I don't understand where she gets off saying I have absolutely no friends. I have one! And I cannot very well tell her about Mason, the guy I casually hooked up with during part of sixth year, can I? I don't want to give her a heart attack.

I do love my mom though, because despite her antediluvian romantic notions she truly does care about me. She just wants the best for me, and she thinks the best thing for me was the best thing for her. She followed all "the rules" and she married young now she lives in a stable household with a well-to-do husband and a son and two daughters. She loves her life and she wants the same for me. I love her and I love the life she's given me but her life isn't the life I want. To me it doesn't seem satisfying at all. It's funny how we are so different and how my sister and she are so similar.

"Lily, you've become such a pretty girl, surely some boys like you!" My mom continued.

"Maybe one guy will like me next year Mom!" I say, trying to keep the sarcasm out of my voice as I head upstairs.

My brother Christian greets me with a bear hug as I walk down the hallway towards my room.

"Hey Lils, how was school?" He asks jovially. I love my brother. Out of my whole entire family, I get along with him the most. It's so funny that in my family I get along with my brother and my Dad the most, and at school I hardly get along with boys, at all. In fact my list of most despised people at Hogwarts is all boys.

To be honest though, I don't know how much I'd like my brother if he wasn't my brother. His dating habits are horrible, filled with one night stands, hardly ever dating much less having a girlfriend. At least he is considerate about it and started being casual only with girls who could take it. In this way he's very much unlike my hated classmates Black and Potter who simply casually hook up with girls who get too attached and then shamelessly break their hearts. Asses. And when Christian dates, the girls are witty and fun, not annoying and sleazy.

So maybe Christian doesn't set the best example for me as far as relationships go, especially according to m mom. But to me he is the essence of what an old sibling should be, there for you, something Petunia never was. I don't resent her for it, I guess I can understand why has taken such a dislike me, but it's ultimately nice to have someone who is there for you, that you can confide everything in, who knows you better than you know yourself and goes through the same things as you.

James:

"Jamesie, are you excited for the ball?" My mom asks at dinner.

"What ball?" My mom throws balls as often as most people eat leftovers, so very often. Oddly enough, I almost never eat leftovers. Maybe she's trying to overcompensate or something. I suppose balls aren't so bad, they could be worse. Some young wizards' parents try to throw them parties to marry them off and whatnot. My mom throws them for fun, and all I pretty much do is hang out with the Marauders and wear a tux or dressrobes, which is good for the ladies anyway. Heather's parents usually make her come with them, maybe Lily will come. Hopefully she will.

"Oh, I'm just having a ball for fun. I already sent out the invitations! All of your friends should be coming, of course. You seem to have grown this year, maybe you need new robes, and we'll fit you for a new tuxedo as well. You're going to look smashing!"

"Sounds fun, Mom, and now if you'll excuse me I'm going to apparate over to Remus'. Also, expect Sirius to come over and drop over his stuff. He's visiting his cousin Andromeda right now." I left the table and apparated over to Remus'.

Lily:

Heather had just come over to spend the day dress shopping. Apparently the Potters were throwing a ball and she had to get ready. She had asked me to come and even though I must admit that wizard balls and very enjoyable, I try to avoid the Potter Manor, simply because Potter lives there. I mean it's kind of awkward to show up to this guy's house when you hate him, even when you are only accompanying your best friend.

"Lily, if you don't come I will die! I will be so bored!" Heather was just whining, and maybe scheming. I know she enjoy herself with the Maurauders, she grew up with James and the only reason she doesn't hang out with them more is because of me, which I feel bad about, but I cannot help the fact that they infuriating! Anyway, she certainly can hold her own with that crowd; she's beautiful and rich and has the poise and charm that the girls like Ayla and Ellie all have. And that I don't have. But it's really ok because I don't care if I'm as charming and witty as James Potter and his crowd, because I know I'm not as manipulative. (I don't have the tools to be, but even if I did I would not lower myself to manipulating other people to make myself happy.)

At the same time, as much as I hate them, sometimes I want to be them. They are the token popular kids at my school, and even though I know that they are only pretty on the outside, sometimes I can't stop myself from daydreaming about what it would be like to have people fall over themselves to help me out, to never have to worry about a date to the dance, to be able to tell a joke and not worry about how funny it was.

"Lily!"

"Hmm?" I reply carelessly.

"How does this look on me?" Heather had tried on a knee length navy dress with a gold sheen with a low front and an even lower back and gold pumps. Her blue eyes shone and I could tell she loved the dress; she looked amazing.

"You look amazing." I said. "Very hot."

"Thank you very much Lily. " Heather replies, smiling, clearly happy with her find. "Now to find your dress!"

"Lily, you have to come. I'm buying your dress for you, it's a gift and it would be really rude if you didn't come and use the dress."

"Heather, you can't buy me a dress, I will not allow it, and I won't try any on, and you cannot force me to come!"

"If you don't try any on, I'll buy one that is not as cute, mail it to your house to your mom, and she'll force to you to wear the dress and come. You know she will."

That is so low. That is so true, but so, so very low.

"You are so manipulative." I shake my head at her as I take some of the dresses she picked out for me and walk into the dressing room.

"I get it from James," she laughed. "You pick some things up when you grow up with someone."

"One day, Heather, just you wait…" I threaten. I will get her back for this. Or at least make her wear an incredibly ugly dress on my wedding day. Something.

We ended up settling for a short, strapless goldenrod colored silk dress with braided accents. It complements my skin and eyes well, which it better after spending over two hours searching or an appropriate dress. You definitely can't say Heather isn't diligent.

James:

I just apparated over to Ayla's for the night. It was good, it was fun, it was raw and in the moment and passionate, but at the same time, it was care free. This relationship is nice.

James:

Heather's parents and my parents are having dinner with each other, so Heather and I are hanging out in my room. I've known Heather for so long and I know she wouldn't be best friends with someone who was not amazing. That's how I deduced that Lily not only has a sweet look and a quirky aura but also has intelligence and the ability to hold a decent conversation. She's the perfect girl.

"So James, Lily is coming to the ball." Heather smiles mischievously.

"Is she?" I try to act nonchalant. I fail.

"Yes she is, sir, and she will be looking hot. And James, don't try to act nonchalant. I've known you for too long. Besides, I totally pro-James-and-Lily."

"Are you?"

"Yes, totally pro-Jily. Pro-Lames." She laughs.

"You think you are so clever."

"I want to help you!" Heather gives me a fake-innocent look. "I want to be part of Operation Lames!"

"It's not called Operation Lames!"

"Yes it is! First order of proceeding: make you look hot as hell at the ball."

"Heather, please. I'll be wearing a tux. I will be looking my hottest."

Heather laughs and then says, "No James, we have to cater to Lily specifically. And I know just the trick, and I totally think you could pull it off. First things first, no glasses and secondly, wear a hat."

"A hat?" That isn't an accessory that I really utilize very often.

"A fedora." Heather says decidedly as she transfigures one from an old beanie my mom once knitted.

I think it over. It's kind of a cool hat. "Ok, I'll do it."


	4. Inebriation

**Hey guys, it's a new chapter!!! Thanks for reading! **

**Disclaimer: I'm not JKR, even though I wish I was.**

James:

"I'm excited for your mother's ball." Sirius is always excited for my mother's ball. He always gets ass.

"You are pathetic. I don't even know if there are any single girls coming that you haven't hooked up with."

"Really? C'mon mate I haven't hooked up with that many girls before."

"Do you know how many girls you've hooked up with before. Or even had sex with?"

"I never thought to count that! Hmm, let's see… well I lost my virginity to that Beaxbatons exchange chick in third year and the next day I shagged two girls-"

"You lost your virginity in THIRD YEAR and proceeded to shag not one, but TWO girls the next day?" I am very surprised, although I know that I should not be. Remus is laughing at my outburst.

"James," Sirius looks at me matter-of-factly, "It's ok to be bad in bed being a virgin, but after that it goes down in your track record. I couldn't have girls thinking I am a bad shag!"

My jaw opened wide. I should have known, I should have known. Remus was laughing still, pointing at me and holding his stomach. "Keep laughing, Remus, and you'll never your virginity."

Remus' face straightened as he quickly insisted, "I am so not a virgin, I lost it one summer on vacation in Rome to this-" Remus fidgeted as he finished his sentence "-girl."

"Remus, your obvious pause between the word this and girl signifies you were trying to think of description for this non-existent girl but failed and subsequently decided it was unnecessary, thus ending the sentence in girl." Sirius said astutely, nodding.

"Yeah, Remus, even I don't believe that." Peter agreed, far less eloquently.

"You don't believe that because you are an idiot, Peter." Remus said.

"Hey, hey Remey, no low blows. We're just calling things as we see them" Sirius said jokingly.

"Don't call me Remey, prat." Reus got up and fumed out of the room.

"I did not realize Remus' still-in-tact virginity was such a touchy subject." Sirius mused after Remus had left the room.

"Not all of us are so sexually talented Sirius." I said. And it is true, Sirius is rumored to be quite the shag. "Anyway, he'll get over it by the ball. I think he is just anxious and a little embarrassed. It doesn't help that Ellie isn't a virgin."

"You're right, mate. Poor Remus. I know Ellie is experienced, it's surprising she hasn't put out yet."

I shrugged. "I overheard Ellie telling Ayla that in a serious relationship, you should wait a while."

We both tilted our heads in thought. "But then where is the fun in the relationship?" Peter asked.

"Where is the fun, indeed?" Sirius agreed.

It's sad to see, but Peter is not the type of person who is frequently in long term relationships. He's slept with a good amount of girls but I know for a fact that it is often a too-drunk girl, a mistake. Sometimes girls like him, the ones he is dead set on not liking back. I think he should give them a try though.

"So is Ayla coming to the ball?" Sirius asked.

"No, she's on holiday with her parents," I reply, thanking Merlin for this impeccable timing. How could Operation Lames occur if Ayla were around. Also, Reminder to self: force Heather to discontinue calling it "Operation Lames" as it is a ridiculous name and I will be made fun of if anyone ever hears it.

"So it looks like I'm going to be the only one getting ass tonight," Sirius smirked.

"You, mate, are the most obnoxious person I know."

James:

I'm getting ready for the ball. I'm wearing a tuxedo, my mom insisted. My mom enjoys to put on themed ball, which I understand, but I think it is a little ridiculous that every other ball is muggle-themed. I know it is simply because she likes wearing evening gowns.

Someone knocks on the door as I put on my fedora and I am pleasantly surprised to find that it is Ellie. Ellie is tall and blonde, nobody can deny her beauty.

"What's with Remus today?" she asks, concerned. "Nice hat, by the way. Very hot."

"Thanks, Ellie. And about Remus, he's just a little sad, we were teasing him about his," I paused and Ellie looks at me, curious, "his innocence."

"Oh." Ellie looks down. "He's not a virgin, is he? He told me he wasn't. Why does everyone lie to me? I ought to punch him."

"He is," I tread carefully. Lying is never good, Remus, especially to your girlfriend. "He says he isn't a virgin, but he's not a good liar. But this is a lie he's been carrying on for ages, he even insists to us that it's true, and he must be very convincing to a non-Marauder."

"But being a virgin is a good thing! Why does nobody realize that? Everyone is such an idiot these days."

I laugh. "Please, when is being a virgin a good thing!"

"You're disgusting. He's so innocent! It's kind of sweet! I've never been with virgin. He's so pure." Ellie's smile suddenly turned sour. "Do you think he hates me because I'm not a virgin? Do you think he resents me? I'm a slut. How come he was able to keep his virtue but me not able to keep mine? I known I should've kept the magical chastity belt my mom gave me when I started school!"

"I think Remus is in love with you."

This takes Ellie by surprise, and she pauses and contemplates my words. "Oh." She looks at me, a little scared.

"Ellie, since when do you worry about anything. I remember you once telling me that no boy you've ever liked has not liked you back."

"Just at the beginning!" Ellie says, almost frantically. "That becomes null and void when you actually start the relationship!"

"Just be yourself, Ellie."

"That's the shittiest, most cliché advice I've ever heard. I would expect more from James Potter."

"That's all you're getting tonight. Now go, he's waiting for you!"

Ellie ran out of the room; she didn't say anything, but I could tell she was a little happier.

Lily:

Heather and I just arrived at the ball and let me say that I am so out of place here.

So, so out of place here.

Heather, on the other hand, is having the time of her life, of course. She's much more of a social butterfly, and has left me behind to fend for myself. I look around awkwardly. Remus comes by, hand in hand with the breathtaking Ellie, whose skin shines in her peach colored dress. Only she could make a relatively plain, floor length, fairly conservative gown look so amazingly beautiful.

"Hi Lily, I'm glad to see you here." Remus greets me. Ellie nods in agreement.

"That's a beautiful dress you've got on," Ellie adds.

"Same to you," I reply.

"Thanks," Ellie replies, smiling. "Have you seen Heather, I haven't seen her yet?"

"No, I came with her, but she ran off to greet a large list of people, her parents' orders, I'm sure you know the drill."

Ellie smiles and nods. "By the way, the teenagers are mostly hanging out in a lounge upstairs. The Potters kind of converted it into a smaller ballroom, and the James converted it into a more teen-friendly event, if you know what I mean."

I nod. It would be a good thing if I got some alcohol in me, Merlin knows it makes me a lot more outgoing. "Cool, I'll be there." I respond slowly.

"Bring Heather too." Remus adds on.

"Of course," I smile.

"Should be fun, see you there." Remus says as Ellie pulls him away, going o greet someone much more important than me, I'm sure.

Could that have been any more awkward? I immediately curse Heather for bringing me. I almost want to fake an emergency and leave, but I know Heather would kill be, and she did somehow force me into letting her buy me this dress. Note to self: somehow pay her back for it. It just feels so fake to hang out with people who know how I am but would never invite me to an event if it wasn't for Heather. I hate being this huge, awkward tagalong, I feel ridiculous.

I walk around, trying to not make direct contact with anyone, trying to find Heather. Finally, after what seems like eternity, I find her. She's flirting with some man twice her age, who can no doubt get her a job in the ministry after next year if she keeps in friendly contact. Heather always likes to have contacts.

After she looks like she's finished, I wave for her to come over to me.

"How's the party?" she asks, smiling and breathless. She's clearly enjoying it.

"It's good," I lie. Thankfully she doesn't notice. "Listen, I think Remus and the others have set up a more teen-friendly party. They want you over there, when you finish hitting on the entire ministry."

"Lily, it's not hitting on them when you aren't actually interested in them," Heather reprimanded. "Anyway, I'm pretty much finished, let's go to the real party!"

Heather takes me by hand and leads me up the stairs. She knows where the others are set up with out even asking. Just another clue to show how she belongs here and I do not. We enter through a mahogany double door into a dark room with loud,sultry music.

"This is pretty classy for Marauders." Heather comments and I have to agree. Pretty classy indeed.

"Heather!" Sirius beckons. I am pretty sure Heather is the only single girl here he hasn't shagged. And I think she has no plans to change that, or at least I hope she doesn't.

Heather walks over to Sirius, smiling mischievously, and I am alone, once again. I stand there, trying to look as comfortable and inconspicuous as possible, keeping my out for the table with the drinks. It's dark, so it takes me a while, but I finally find them and begin to walk over. On the way towards the bar I hear Heather firmly tell Sirius she will remain the only single girl in the room he had yet to shag, and I smile.

"What can I get for you, Miss Evans?" James Potter asks me, smirking. My smile quickly fades. The person who I am convinced is the misplaced heir of Salazar Slytherin is the bartender. Oh great. And he is wearing a fedora, quite possibly the sexiest accessory in the world. Double great. I am asking him a favor and it is taking a lot of my free will not to swoon; it's not a great position to be in with the person who is the enemy.

So I need to be drunk, very drunk, and fast, but there are no shots in sight. I settle for my favorite drink instead, I might as well enjoy my time here. Now that I think about it, I probably should refrain myself from going crazy. "Do you have any scotch?"

James looks amused as he pulls out several bottles. "Which kind?" he asks.

"I don't know," I shrug, "the older the better." I say. I'm trying to act classy. Isn't alcohol supposed to get better as it ages? Maybe that is just wine. Who knows.

James pours me a large glass and I smile politely and take it, attempting to get as far away as possible. Being around him is like fighting a battle with my body; it's very uncomfortable and I could slip up at any moment.

To my dismay he actually leaves the bar and follows me. If he was not such a jackass he would be just my type. Confident and attractive, but not in the most typical way.

"Lily, you look smashing tonight." He says comfortably, right into my ear.

My heart is pounding, I get chills, my cheeks must be an awful shade of red, and my hands are sweating as I clutch my glass of scotch, taking a huge gulp.

"Thanks." I try to look as blasé as possible as I try to toss my hair and look away. It doesn't work as well as I planned, because I trip and stumble to regain balance. Unfortunately, I doubt I'll regain my dignity.

He looks at me and I can tell he's trying not to laugh as he reaches out and steadies me. His hand is cold against my skin, much smoother than what I imagined his hands would feel like.

Not that I was imagining his hands or anything like that.

I have to dislike him. I only want to like him because of his incredibly good looks, charming personality front and his unfair amount of eloquence and social grace. But those things are all superficial because on the inside he is selfish and irresponsible. He views the world completely differently than I do. And I'm so weak for wanting to like him, for letting myself fall even so slightly to his charm. I have him figured out, but most people don't even go that far. It's so easy to like someone like James Potter, even when you shouldn't. And I should not, and practically every girl at Hogwarts should not like him, and they don't even realize it, but I do. I feel like a lone warrior trying to fight for something that seems so obvious to me but only me. And it would be a lot easier to not fight and to fall. But falling implies getting hurt and I refuse to let James Potter hurt me.

Wow, I'm dramatic. I'm also a basket case of hormones. This is fantastic.

"Lily," James says, shaking my shoulder, "Is anything the matter?" There he goes, touching me again. His touch stomps over everything just campaigned to myself, I completely forget about it. His concerned face is too much.

"No, why would anything be the matter?" I say defensively.

"It's just that I asked you a question, and you didn't respond" James said.

"I probably didn't hear you." I say shortly.

"I asked it several times."

I frown. Potter always seems to be right. "Well go on."

"I was just asking if you liked my hat."

I look at him again; he's posing, trying to look as regal as possible. I figure I might as well look like I'm having fun, and I'll trump him another time. If I get to know him a little better, it might even make it easier to put him in his place.

And he does look really good in his fedora.

"It looks nice, I guess."

James grins, and it's infectious. I can feel myself but I try to stop myself. I already told myself I would nice to him, but I don't want to give in to him too easily. Regardless, I fail.

I take another sip of scotch before I realize that I finished the glass. James leads me over to the bar and pours me another and then leads me over to where Remus, Sirius and Ellie were standing.

"Look what the cat dragged in." Sirius drawled. He was clearly drunk. However, I couldn't stop giggling at the statement, so, clearly, so was I.

James:

Looking at Lily, it's hard not to laugh. She is very drunk, I guess she didn't realize how strong the scotch was and she is a lightweight. In a way it's good though, she never looks this comfortable around me or my mates, and her comfort is important.

Still, she looks around suspiciously. "Where is Heather?" She asks Sirius, accusingly. "You didn't shag her and then break her heart already, did you? And if you, I'll beat you up." Lily says this as she attempts to punch the palm of her other hand. She misses, though, and settles on giving him a very obvious evil eye.

Sirius cannot stop laughing. "No, doll, her mother called her down. She may be shagging the whole ministry right now."

"She just needs connections!" Lily insists.

"I could give her connections. Boy, would I ever like to connect with her."

"Ewwww," Lily exclaims.

"She would be such a good fuck."

"How do you know?" Peter asks, confused.

"Because she is a good eye-fuck," Sirius says, "and accordingly to my calculations 67 percent of good eye-fucks are good shags 97 percent of the time."

"That doesn't even make sense," Ellie says.

"Sure, it does, Ellie! I'm appalled you don't believe in me." Sirius moves adjacent to Ellie and looks her in the eye. "Why don't you believe in me, Ellie?"

Ellie giggles and kisses Remus. "Because, Sirius, dear sir, you make no lick of sense absolutely."

"No, but I'm being very, very, very serious. No pun intended." Sirius adds in as an afterthought. "But I think there are three kinds of men in life: men who follow their hearts through life, men who follow their pointers through life and men who follow their minds. I certainly do not want to be the fool who follows his heart through life, and it seems like men who follow their dicks are generally thoroughly disliked, though I don't understand why. Therefore, I have decided to become the noble man who follows his mind through life. I created ratios and a point system to determine who to fuck. I am a scholar and gentlemen!"

"I think you are a gentle-man." Ellie points out.

"I still think you follow your pointer through life," Lily says, snickering.

Finally Heather comes back and takes both me and Lily by surprise by immediately latching on to Sirius. "Those ministry men sure do like drunk, barely of age witches!" She whispers loudly to Lily.

"Always carry roofie sticks," Lily warns, wide-eyed. "and a rape whistle."

"What are roofies?" Heather asks.

"They are drugs." Lily says. "Like really, really bad ones, though."

"Don't be silly, Lily, Heather doesn't need to be roofied to shag those ministry members." Sirius said. "We all know she will shag her way to Mister of Magic one day."

"Untrue, Sirius, I will do so maintaining my image as a wholesome little girl!" Heather insists.

"You don't look wholesome in that dress." Sirius says, suggestively. To that, Heather giggles in an almost suggestive manner.

After awhile I lead Lily outside for a breath of fresh air.

She dances around, twirling around light posts and doing cartwheels through the grass. "I've never had so much fun at a Potter party," she sings.

"You've never been this drunk." I reply, laughing. I have a good buzz. I'm definitely more than buzzed, I'm a solid drunk.

"You know today, James, I let my guard down, but don't expect it always." Lily says, walking over towards me and stands in front of me. She cranes her neck upwards, as I'm much, much taller than her, and streamlines her emerald eyes towards mine.

"James Potter, my brain has you all figured out," she says, poking me in the chest. "But I cannot convince my body that you look bad in a fedora. In fact, you look beautiful, or handsome, or some shit. But don't think I don't think you don't think I'm a jackass. No. Don't think I think you're a jackass. No." Lily squints as she tries to figure out what she's trying to say. "Don't think I don't think you're a jackass. Yeah."

"Lily."

"Yes, Potter, Sir?"

"I'm not a jackass."

"Yeah right, Potter. Jackasses are always the devilishly handsome ones."

I can't help but laugh. "Lily."

"I'm not going to fall for you because falling implies getting hurt, and I am not going to let you hurt me. And I will trump you. Eventually."

'Lily." I cusp her face in my hand.

"Yes, Potter, Sir?"

"Kiss me"

I bring her lips towards mine, and to my great surprise and enjoyment, she kisses back. And she continues to kiss me back.

And boy, is she a good kisser.

I pick her up and carry her to my room. She can apparate back tomorrow. I don't want to stop kissing her.


	5. Realization

Hey guys, thanks to those who read and especially those who reviewed! It's nice to know people read this, it seriously puts me in SUCH a good mood.

Lily:

Somehow my bed is more comfortable today than usual. And my pillows are much fluffier. And the light from the window is much brighter.

And my sheets are a different color?

And James Potter is in bed with me, wearing nothing but boxers.

And I am wearing underwear and a male undershirt.

Fuck.

My chest starts to tighten and my palms begin to sweat. What exactly happened last night? I try to think, but my head feels awful, no doubt thanks to my consumption of alcohol last night.

How much did I drink last night? So much for not making a fool out of myself. What the hell did I do? I really messed up this time. How far did I go with James? Clearly I took some clothes off. How could he take advantage of me in that sort of state? Although he must have been drunk as well. Did we have sex?

Thoughts continue to race through my head as I slowly get up from the bed and grab my dress and clutch and wand. I immediately apparate to Heather's house.

Heather is in the shower so I sit on her bed and wait for her to come out. We need to talk. I am never going to a party with her again. I cannot believe I just made a huge fool of myself, after six years of attempting not to exactly that with Potter.

Heather finally comes out of the shower; her face turns apprehensive when she sees my facial expression.

"What happened last night?" she asks as she gets dressed.

"I don't know, I got incredibly drunk and proceeded to hook up with James fucking Potter."

"NO!" Heather looks almost as horrified as I did when I realized that I had hooked up with Potter. "When you disappeared I thought you had apparated home because he made you angry."

"No, I only remember bits and pieces of the night, but I do remember he was positively charming the whole way through. And for the cherry on top of the frosting on the cake that is my life is that now, I am very hung over."

"That sucks, I'll give you that." Heather replies, as she places some candied ginger into a water bottle and hands it to me. "So what are you going to do?"

"Pretend it never happened."

"Lily, you can't do that, it will break his heart."

"No, he should be used to it, right? He does the exact same thing to all the other girls in school."

"No, Lily, it isn't a good idea." Heather is shaking her head. "Don't be mean, just talk it out with him. Don't stoop to his level."

'It's not about levels, it's about learning not to play with other people's emotions. God, I just hope I don't have to be with him much, next year at school."

"Yeah, of course not, why would that happen?" Heather frowns, looks upwards and then looks back at me. "Look, I don't want to argue with you about this, but I'm serious. I honestly think you'll affect him more than I think you realize."

"Please, Heather." I trust Heather's advice for anything but James. She is biased and tainted from knowing him so long before pubescent, and apparently before the raging hormones came to play, he was an ok little fellow.

And then it dawns on me, Heather does not look exactly normal. In the years that I've known her, I've never seen her look this troubled.

"Heather, what's the matter?"

Heather looked at me and put on a fake smile. "Oh nothing."

"Heather, I know you better than that."

"I slept with Sirius." She cringes at the thought.

Even I did not see that one coming, and I instantly feel bad for being to drunk to stop her from doing something she's already sworn to never do. "Oh wow, I'm so sorry."

"No, it's just that I was so drunk and I don't know what I said or did." Heather said, as she pulled her face in odd directions trying to keep from crying. "Ugh, I just feel like such a slut."

"Look, Heather, as long as it was all in good fun, it's fine. You're not a slut, that is just a stupid word guys make up for girls that, I don't know, get the better of them. I mean, we both made mistakes last night, but neither of us is for sure a slut." Heather does not get consoled. "Was it good? He is rumored to be, you know, pretty good." Sex girl talk is always a mood upper.

Heather starts to smile and nodded, but immediately frowns again. "Next year sure is going to be interesting."

"I'm never drinking again." I resolve.

Heather nods in agreement. "This is why they tell us alcohol is bad."

James:

"Best party ever!" Sirius exclaims as he walked into James' room the next morning.

"Lily?" I ask groggily, rolling over my bed and squinting at Sirius.

"No James, you fool, it's me, your best mate, maybe the best man ever and certainly the smoothest. For I have gone where – wait," Sirius pauses. 'Did you just call me Lily?"

I attempt to cover my flustered face with a classic eyebrow furrow. "Sirius, what are you talking about?" I ask, trying to sound as clueless as possible.

"Mate, you just called me Lily, which doesn't make sense seeing as she must of apparated home hours ago, probably because you did something idiotic to make her angry and rightfully so, after which you most likely wanked off and went to sleep. Unless you found another girl at the party to chat up and she spent the night; in this case you most likely did not wank off and probably slept with her instead, or add least got some sort of loving. However, if this were the case, you would have said her name instead Lily's. I mean Lily rejects you enough, you never normally say her name confusedly, and you don't sleep talk, which could only lead to one conclusion." Sirius, at this point, looks at me with his most interrogative expression.

"It's much too early for me to fully comprehend that."

Sirius stares at me for a few seconds until finally coming to a conclusion. "NO. No mate. But…it's the only logical explanation"

Sometimes Sirius is amazing. "I don't know how you logically concluded that, but somehow it is correct."

"Lily spent the night?"

I nod.

"You kissed her."

"Damn right I did."

"It's about time, motherfucker!" Sirius exclaims while high-fiving James. "Now how far did you go?"

"Let's just say I didn't get quite as lucky as you last night."

"But Lily's a down girl?"

"She is unexpectedly down."

Sirius pauses and then nods in agreement. "It is totally unexpected. I mean, the girl reeks of virgin. I totally see her in a new light after yesterday. I love slutty drunks!"

"So who was the lucky girl last night?" I ask Sirius. Now this is a feat because I am almost positive that he had slept with and subsequently ignored every girl at that party except for Ellie, Heather and Lily. And those three would not sleep with him.

"It was, young friend, the one, the only, the beautiful and intelligent, the capable and witty-"

"Sirius, she was cool, I get it."

"Heather."

Most girls Sirius sleeps with are either very, very down with casual sex or think they can change Sirius. No girl has ever, will ever or can ever change him though, so those girls are fairly deluded. It's not something I expected out of Heather. She has had her days, I suspect, it's really not something I like to think about, but I didn't expect it at all. "Wow man."

"It was ace, mate. She was so good with her-"

"Shut up, Sirius, I don't want to hear it." I mean, the girl is practically my sister.

"Fine then, but remember, I'm the king of the world!" Sirius exclaims, as he runs out of my room and down the hall.

Lily:

Summer after the party has been far less eventful. I've been fairly busy helping Petunia with her stupid wedding preparations, which she repaid me with setting the wedding during the school year. It is this school year in which I have important N.E.W.T. studying to do, especially if I want to make anything out of my life. Petty has always been the considerate sister.

I don't know why I help her.

James sent me an owl the other day. It didn't say much other than "Hey, what's up? I hope you're having a good summer and that we can hang out more during the school year." I didn't reply. I don't know.

Being the overly analytical girl that I am, I pulled this letter apart (all 21 words of it) and concluded that in our situation, it is the most tactful thing to send me. It would be overbearing to send me something more and not owling me at would be very rude. Heather agrees.

I wish it wasn't the right thing to do. I almost wish he would come to my door with roses and chocolate or maybe a motorcycle and some wine, and sweep me off of my feet. I really shouldn't be thinking that, but I guess ever girl is allowed to have fantasies.

Luckily the stupid bloke can't read minds.

What the fuck, James Potter. Why are you so wrong, yet so right?

James:

The boys, along with Heather, Ayla and Ellie came over for a quidditch match today. It was good practice for Sirius, Remus, Heather and I, as we're on the team, and a good chance to see the girls.

Afterwards, we sit down in have lunch. Everybody is starving after the game.

"I have a new girlfriend, Madison Howell from Ravenclaw." Peter informs us. It's pretty surprising; it's not that girls don't like Peter, but Peter has this weird way of dealing with girls he doesn't deem good enough. I mean, I guess I wouldn't really go for the girls that usually tend to like him – they certainly aren't comparable to Lily – but I also don't really know them.

"Good job, mate!" Sirius says. "I give her an 84."

"Only?" Peter asks, seeming pretty disappointed. "I was hoping for at least a 105."

"Wait, it's not out of 100? And, do you rate every girl, Sirius?" Ellie asks.

"Ellie, how could my scale only be out of 100? There so many good characteristics a girl can have, and every girl should have them! Clearly, my scale is out of 137. And yes, it's part of my plan to follow my head through life. I'm being very mathematical."

"So you have 137 qualities you think a girl should have to be, like dateable?" Ellie ask.

"Basically."

"What do I get?" Ayla asks, clearly amused.

"Sorry, I can't divulge that kind of information." Sirius says gravely.

"Ok, But I have a question," Peter asks, looking anxious. "Is it weird for girls to masturbate?"

"Oh, she masturbates? Oye, I totally didn't picture as the type, that's hot. She's actually an 85!"

"Of course not," Heather says. "Guys jack off all the time, why can't girls? It feels amazing and is way more dependable than trying to get good sex."

Sirius almost says something cheeky, but then stops himself. Since when did Sirius practice restraint?

"No, it's gross when girls, you know," Ayla says, having difficulty even saying the word. "It's just weird and not normal."

"Ayla!" Ellie reprimands. "It's totally normal! That is such a repressing thought."

"I hope you don't do it when I'm around," Ayla responds, cringing.

Ellie shrugs. "I don't know, sometimes it helps me go to sleep."

"Looks like little Remeykins isn't performing up to par!" I say, jokingly.

"Please James, he totally is. I would know." Ellie smirks, and I really can't respond to that.

Sirius has a glazed look in his eyes; I didn't even realize until Remus diverts the attention to him.

"You're hopelessly perverted." I say, sighing.

"Guys, you already knew that, why bring it up?" Sirius makes a pouty face. It works better on girls.

"The pouty look works better on girls, Sirius."

"Regrdless, This was great, James." Remus says. He is always the cordial one.

"I know, mate," Sirius adds on, "What could be better on such a nice day than great games, great food, and great girls?"

"I don't know, if Sirius Black wasn't around, my day would improve a lot more." Ayla jokes. She looks really cute today, sitting in tiny shorts and a tank top, her hair pulled back in a ponytail. It's nice to see her not dressed up for a change.

"Please, Ayla. You're just saying that because you want James to yourself. You're so shallow Ayla. You are just using James for his body."

Ayla gives him a dirty look as she laughs and put her head on my shoulder. I laugh too, along with everyone else.

Everyone else is still laughing at Sirius and Ayla's playful banter when I notice Heather, who looks particularly distressed.

Soon afterwards Ellie and Ayla have to apparate home, the boys get their stinky selves to a shower and Heather pulls me aside.

"What the fuck James?" Heather questions me. "What about Lily?"

I kind of had a feeling this would be coming. The first time Ayla and I slept together after Lily and I hooked up, I felt a tinge of guilt. But I don't want to stop myself from having fun because Lily is too stubborn to give in to her dislike of me. I mean, I love Lily and she is the girl for me, but who can say no to Ayla. Remus thinks it shady for me not to tell Ayla about Lily, but I thought everyone knew I loved Lily. I've publicly tried to woo her countless amounts of times. I mean, you can like more than one girl at once, right? And that is exactly what is occurring this summer.

"Heather, Lily and I hooked up, but she never responded to my owl. And as much as I like her, what's the point in missing out on good times because she doesn't have her head in the right place yet. I'll try it more during the school year, when she can actually see me. But as far as summer goes, I'm not going to worry about the amount of shit I have to do to finally get Lily in my life and I'm going to have some fun.

Heather looks disappointed, I can already tell. "It really shouldn't be like that James. It really shouldn't. You know, I know you and Ayla were a thing during the year but I had assumed you guys stopped. I mean how could you do that when you had Operation Lames?" Heather looks even more frantic when I smirk at Operation Lames. It's not my fault the name is so ridiculous.

"Even you know the name is funny," I say, badly hiding my laughter.

"No James, it's not funny, it's serious. How could you still mess around with Ayla, you are cheating on Ayla with Lily. I thought you seriously wanted Lily, I thought you wanted her in a way that was different from all of those other guys. In a way where it wasn't work to go after her, it was something you felt like you needed to do! And now you make it seem like she is just another conquest. Does she really mean anything to you?"

I'm floored. Heather has never gotten mad at me before, and certainly in no manner such as this. "Look, Heather, Ayla and I are practically just friends. She doesn't mean anything to me and Lily does. You know that Heather."

"Well James, I honestly don't know what to say except Lily really would not appreciate it. That night she was drunk, but you didn't rape her. You didn't force her to do whatever you guys did together; she did it on her own volition. Do you even realize what that means? I hate being like this to you but I can't let you hurt Lily. When you want to be serious, I guess you can give me a call and I can try to help you sort this out, if that is even possible" With that Heather turns around and walks away.

I want to all Heather here, to show her why everything I did was technically ok, but I can't make myself. Heather not approving of me hits me harder than any of Lily's rejections ever have.

Thank you guys sooo sooo much for reading. I love you all!!!


	6. Dejection

**Hey guys, you're review inspired me to write a new chapter quickly!! I love hearing your input, the more the better. Anyways, this chapter isn't like the last ones so much, but it opens up some more complexity into the characters that aren't James and Lily, so I hope you'll enjoy it!! I certainly enjoyed writing it.**

Heather:

Sometimes I just don't understand boys, and lust, and love. I just want to go back to when I was five; when jumping off the swing set was the most dangerous thing you could do and even that could barely hurt you. And that was so apparent: of course it's mildly dangerous to jump off of something going fast and high. I'm not five anymore, and everything has changed.

I wish I could just talk to my mom and tell her how I feel right now, but I don't think she'll ever completely approve of me. It's weird to see her everyday and have such a good relationship with her superficially, but sometimes I don't even feel like her daughter. I don't think she could ever understand me. I think she'd just be so shocked by how messed up I feel compared to how fine I seem.

Right now I feel so conflicted, I don't know what is wrong with me, what is wrong with the people I know, how to fix it all. I wish milk and cookies still made everyone feel perfect again, now people even worry about eating them. Everything has changed so much. It's so hard to see people hurt other people and not realize it, it's so frustrating. It's so frustrating to see James and to see Lily and see their goal and your goal coming closer and then see it fall into a gorge that you didn't notice at all and all you can say is fuck. They don't realize it but I realize it but I can't change anything and I can't do anything but pretend like it's all fine.

Once Lily showed me her favorite poems, written by a muggle called Sylvia Plath. It's called Mad Girl's Love Song. And it's about this girl, and she thinks that she is mad, I think because of some bloke, and she thinks that she made him up in her head, that's how mad she is. But she still wants to see that bloke, even though he's made her mad, because she loves him. I thought it was a stupid poem for a very long time, but I understand it now and I can see why its Lily's favorite, it's very telling about her. In fact, it's telling about the whole world, in the sense that the whole fucking world is mad. Apparently Sylvia Plath ended up committing suicide, which is doubly sad because she was so goddamn talented.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a movie and I'm just an actor playing my role. Nothing seems real, I barely understand my character, I definitely don't understand anyone else's and as hard as I try, I can't change the script.

Remus:

I don't know what to do because I don't know what I would do if Ellie ever left me.

I hold myself back every time we have an argument just so she won't get so mad as to break up with me, and I know that's not a good place to be. I promised myself I'd always be true about myself to girls and I'd always speak my mind to them, but I don't want to risk it now.

I feel silly and ridiculous but how often does a girl love me? A girl can never and will never be with me if they ever found out my secret. Even if a girl was ever ok with my secret, it's not even feasible for me to be with someone. How could I have children, being what I am? Even though I am so young, I fully realize the life I am destined to have, and it's barely a life, it's a shitty existence that will consist of me trying to make it as good as possible, probably. I know I'll always be an outcast, looked down upon. I'll always make people uncomfortable. I'd be that way now, without James and Sirius. And while I think they'll always be my friends, I know they cannot be with me forever. My future is inevitable and while I try to put it off as much as possible, I cannot stop its arrival. I'm so young, I feel ridiculous acknowledging the fact that my future is so bleak, and no one else wants to let me acknowledge that fact, but … I kind of have to.

Ayla:

I think I like James!

I mean, I know that I have been having sex with him for several months now, but I realized that I like him. He has this charm that no one else I've ever met really has, and it's enchanting and exciting and fun.

Normally when I have a crush, I immediately tell Ellie, and we always get super excited together and stay up for hours planning out outfits to wear or witty things to say or ways to accidentally-on-purpose bump into him and make him like me. It normally works and I'm normally happy, until I get bored of the guy because he's too nice, or I get sick of the fact he's such a jackass, and then we break up.

But I've never been traumatized by such things happening; I'm usually OK with it all. I've never gotten so far into a relationship where I could really get hurt. It's not a defense mechanism though; it's just something that has happened. I lost my virginity a long time ago, and I realized soon after that I wasn't in love with that guy. What was his name? It's funny because I struggle to remember it. Oh right, it was Johnson? Jason? Oh yes, it was Mason. He was a nice guy, but we weren't in love. And I soon realized afterwards that I didn't even care.

Aren't you supposed to care? Isn't love supposed to be this all-encompassing feeling that you should always want in your life. Isn't it supposed to make your life infinitely better? I feel like my life is so good that I don't really need something to better it, I never cared to.

But James could better it. James, officially. Hell, I don't even know what we are now. I assumed there was some sort of unspoken agreement: we don't really like each other like normal couples do, but we are good friends and we enjoy the benefits of our relationship. But I don't want to be the fool friend in a friends with benefits sort of relationship that ruins it. God knows it's happened to me too many times and I know exactly how it feels. It's not flattering like when a new person developed feelings for you; it's just super annoying. It ruins everything, by making everything awkward.

Even though I know that there is everything wrong with it, and everything wrong with me, I can still dream right? Or daydream? Even if it can never happen, even if I'm just too fucking chicken shit to act on it, it's always fun to have a crush.

Sirius:

Lunch and quidditch were bit awkward with Heather there; awkward in the sense that I could tell she was a bit uncomfortable and she kept on making this uncomfortable face that was actually really funny looking, and I kept wanting to look at her and laugh and just be her friend, but I feel like she wouldn't be ok with that. I don't know what she was expecting, but it's not like we had a one-night-stand and I was never going to see her again, because of course I will, next year, in the common room, every single day just like I have for the past six years. I guess sometimes I forget that Heather is James' best girl mate so she hangs out with us a lot. Not Lily so much, which is a pity because Lily is actually really clever. I have respect for that girl; she's at least a 120. Of course, Heather is more like a 130, but no one else can know that someone is so close to perfect.

Heather didn't seem so happy though. I don't know what she was expecting. I wonder if she regrets sleeping with me. I hope not, because it was goddamn amazing. I thought it would make her happy, it certainly made me happy. She is definitely good in bed and I would sleep with her over again easily.

Oh, I forgot, now that I've slept with her, I should cross her off of my list of people I want to bed. That's just another feel good thing to do today, hell yeah. All that's left now is Celestina Warbeck, she amazingly attractive. James and Remus don't think I'll be able to shag her since she's a celebrity, but I am determined. I believe that when you put your mind to things, you can do anything!

Anyway, I don't understand why James is so set on having Lily, like they are meant for each other or why Remus puts up with fighting with Ellie so often. I think he thinks we don't realize and Ellie would die if she didn't look like she was leading some perfect problem-less life but we can hear them yelling sometimes. Not falling in love with some girl is the best thing that ever happened to me. I really dodged a bullet there. Oh, and Ayla told me her older sister met the lovely Celestina at some event. Now I have a connection… Merlin, I love Ayla right now … Merlin, I love older girls … I wonder if she sings in bed …

Ellie:

I love Remus, I honestly do. I don't know what I would do without him. I haven't slept alone in months; I don't think I could ever fall asleep without feeling his embrace. I don't think I could keep track of my homework without him helping me. He calms me, he anchors me.

But we fight so often. It's never big things, only little things. He thinks I don't pay enough attention to him, not that he's ever outright said it. He's passive aggressive, not that I think he realizes. He's scared I'm going to leave him for someone he thinks I think is better, but I don't think I could do that if I tried. And why would I?

He's the one for me, I can tell. I'm what you call a serial relationshiper, it's something James and I have in common. We used to joke that we'd overcome it, but neither of us have and I don't think either of us will. I'm almost always in relationships, serious ones at that. I've thought I was in love before and I still that I've been in love before, but not like this, never like this. This is it, I can tell.

I always expected to never find this kind of connection, I don't know, that sounds cheesy, I've never been that eloquent, but I just never expected it. I expected to be happy but not in this all-encompassing, omnipresent sort of love, but sometimes I'm not even happy. Sometimes I'm so miserable because I feel like he's so miserable and he probably feels the same way. That's not to say we're never happy. When we're happy, we're happy, but when we're not, it's the same all-encompassing feeling, but not of love, of awful.

Peter:

Madison is a nice girl. I should like her. She is smart and pretty and she's fun to be around; you could even say we click. Sirius gives her an 85, and that's the highest he's rated any of the girls I've ever dated. But it's still lower than all the girl Remus and James date. It's even lower than a lot of the girls Sirius only has one night stands with. I like Madison, but why is no one I choose ever good enough? Why doesn't anyone up to par choose me?

It sucks being the Marauder with the least game, and no matter how you peer at it, I always have that role. And doesn't the least charming one make up for it some how? By being the nicest, because, shit, Remus takes that role, or by being the smartest, because I'm the only one of us for that couldn't fight for that position. I feel the need to make up for it somehow, I don't want to be the boy people look t when they look at the Marauders and ask, "why did they choose him?"

So often I see people wish they were the best at something, at anything, and those people I feel sorry for. What if they were me? Where would they fucking be? You can't be the best at something, you pansy ass imbecile, you're complaining about not being the best at something? Please, I would give my arm to be the best at something, I would give my arm to fucking not always be the worst.

**Thanks guys for reading this chapter!!!! Thank you soooo sooooo much. Also, if you guys have any plot ideas, anything you'd like to see happen, anything you have questions about or ANYTHING just email me, I'd be more than happy to talk/add it to my story. Anyways, thank you so much! See you next time!!**


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